Any Questions?
Little Sister Woes
Question
I am the youngest in my family and I share a room with my older sister. She uses all my things without asking. I have to ask to use her things. I have asked her nicely many times to ask before using my things and nothing has changed. What do I do?
From Younger Sister
Answer
Dear Younger Sister,
It sounds like you’re struggling with the desire to be respected. We all have that desire because it helps us feel valuable. It’s unfortunate that your sister doesn’t recognize her behavior is being disrespectful toward you. I am concerned that if her behavior continues, you’ll stop respecting her and find ways to get back at her. If you allow that to happen, you’ll also be acting disrespectfully, just like your sister. Here are some suggestions:
- Tell one of your parents what’s bothering you. Choose a time when you’re calm, not when you’re upset with your sister. Tell your parents you have a plan (see below) and you would like their help if you need it later on. Share your plan with them.
- Next, speak to your sister. Don’t do this while she is using your stuff because she may just want to argue. Instead, ask her if you could talk to her when things are calm between the two of you.
- When you do get to talk to her, use this approach.
“When you use my things without asking, I feel… (angry, disrespected, frustrated, hurt, or some other feeling). I don’t like feeling that way. I want to have good feelings toward you. So, I want you to ask to use my things before you use them. I promise to do the same thing when I want to use your things. I think this is fair. Do you think you can help me?”- Hopefully, your sister will respond well. If not, then both of you may need to sit down with a parent to talk. You may have to discuss consequences for breaking the agreement or what to do when the other person isn’t around to ask for her permission.
The best thing about this approach to a problem is that you act in a respectful way. Whether or not your sister listens, you can feel good about yourself and respect yourself!