Any Questions?
My Parents Yell
Question
Sometimes when my parents get mad at me, they yell really loud. Why do they do this? It makes me want to yell back.
From Jessica
Answer
Dear Jessica,
Being angry/mad is different from yelling. Anger is a feeling that is connected to deeper feelings like hurt and fear. Yelling or bottling up your thoughts and feelings are a way to control someone else's behavior. It kind of goes like this: Something happens and your dad feels afraid that you are going to get hurt and believes that you should have done something different. Rather than talking about his fear, he yells as a way of getting you to behave differently. When he yells you might feel hurt because it was embarrassing in some way. Rather than talking about your hurt, you yell back or bottle up as a way to get him to stop yelling.
Your response to being yelled at is very normal but it probably doesn't help much. What might be helpful is if you can think about whether the anger is really about hurt or fear. If it is, then this is what you can talk to your dad about. Sometimes these conversations can happen right when the two of you are into it but most often, it is better to have a cool down period before you talk. You might say something like."Dad, earlier you yelled at me, and I'd like to talk to you about it." The goal of these talks is to help you gain respect and understanding for each other. If you gain more respect and understanding of each other, deeper feelings of love will grow too.
I want you to know that my daughters helped me understand what being yelled at was like for them. Sometimes I yelled without realizing it. My middle daughter asked if we could talk alone when I had time to listen. I knew at that moment what she was thinking and feeling was very important and this helped me be sensitive to her. My youngest daughter doesn't like to talk it out first. She writes me notes and letters expressing her thoughts and feelings. When she does this, I then can go to her and discuss and apologize if that is the right thing to do. What is great is that even in these tough conversations, we can learn more about each other and experience more love.
Hope this helps,
Chris